3 – Season 2, Ep 7

JOHN, THE SON: Don’t you want to live forever?

MULDER: (considers) Well, not if drawstring pants come back into style.

And not if I ever have to watch this episode again.

 
 
 
Season 2, Episode 7: “3”

mulder

I have a confession to make. When I first started watching this show, I skipped this episode because I wanted to go straight to “One Breath” from “Ascension” – I just couldn’t wait to find out what happened. That may sound sacrilegious to some of you, and maybe it is. And indeed I felt guilty about it later, but still didn’t watch it based on the rumors I’d heard about this episode’s quality.

Then I started this blog, and I realized I would have to watch it. Oh, well, I told myself, that’s all the better anyway. I need to see every episode of this show. There’s no reason I shouldn’t watch it.

OH YES THERE IS.

After watching this pile of absolute dog shit, I wish I’d stuck to my original plan and skipped the episode. This episode is the television equivalent of diarrhea and watching it is about as pleasant an experience. Remember when I said back in my review of “Space” that for me the truly bad episodes were the ones that insulted me, got fundamentals of the show wrong, or just plain pissed me off?

Yeah. THIS IS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

This episode gets everything wrong. The story is wrong, the characters are wrong, the acting is wrong, the conflict is wrong, the resolution is wrong…everything is just WRONG.

You may say I’m overreacting, but I cannot in good conscience sit and watch Mulder hook up with Kristen Kilar – WHILE SCULLY IS STILL MISSING, MIND YOU – and feel hopeful about the episode, the show, or my faith in humanity. Any X-Phile knows the feeling of revulsion that comes with having to sit through this hour of utter horror.

And let me make something absolutely clear. I do not hate this episode because I am a Shipper. I hate this episode because I am a fan of the show, and I’m a fan of Scully, and this episode completely spews all over both.

This is the first episode in the series that I have absolutely no freaking clue what’s happening. I don’t know who’s a vampire and who’s not, I don’t know who Kristen Kilar is, I don’t even know what Mulder is really looking for. The plot is so jumbled and so confusing that even if there wasn’t a disgusting make-out scene I would still hate this episode with every fiber of my being.

Mulder wouldn’t do this. He just wouldn’t. This episode’s only shining moment is at the very beginning, when Mulder is putting Scully’s file in the file cabinet, and takes the cross out to keep for himself. If the rest of the episode had been with that sort of tone, it might have worked. Although that’s pretty much what “One Breath” is, so I guess not.

But then Mulder gets this case, and…vampires? Really? You chose vampires as the subject of the episode between “Ascension” and “One Breath”?

You might say, well, what else could they have done that would have worked? And my answer is nothing. They should have taken the week off. There doesn’t need to be anything in between “Ascension” and “One Breath.” And there certainly doesn’t need to be an episode where Mulder hooks up with ANYONE in Scully’s absence. Here’s why it doesn’t work.

1. Mulder having sex with Kristen Kilar suggests that he’s missing some sort of sexual presence in his life. But Chris Carter has made it very, very clear that Mulder and Scully’s relationship at this point is platonic. Hell, they even say it in this episode. “Not a lover, a friend.” WE GET IT, CHRIS. WE GET IT.

2. Mulder having sex with Kristen Kilar in the midst of Scully’s absence is not doing anything to help find Scully. For someone who purportedly won’t stop looking for the truth, Mulder sure has given up on Scully rather quickly.

3. Mulder having sex with Kristen Kilar is proceeded by the most awkward, gross make out scene in TV history. Shaving cream. Really. Excuse me while I puke.

I just don’t think Mulder would do something like this. I just don’t. Maybe it fits into the theory I made last review in which I said Scully’s absence makes Mulder act out of character, but this is just plain insulting. I mean, he had sex with the vampire with Scully’s cross on. 

Somebody call Scully’s mom and tell her to take that cross back right now.

And someone please figure out a way to remove all memory of this monstrosity of an episode from my brain.

s2 ep7 mulder vampire whore kiss


Final Score

0star

This episode gets no stars at all. And there are no Notable Nuggets, except for the part where it says “Executive Producer Chris Carter.” Because that means it’s over.

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