The #XFRewatch3 Drinking Game

mulderdrink

Please note: Knife Ink, The X-Files, Twitter, or anybody associated with this Rewatch do not condone the consumption of alcohol, particularly if for whatever reason you are not allowed. Think of this post as a suggestion, a guide, if you will, something to hold your hand whilst you writhe in pain. 

On most rewatches, I skip Season 2, Episode 7: “3” because it’s a piece of crap. But the faithful Philes over at X-Files News, like the troopers they are, have insisted that we watch every episode. The trouble is, how does one sit through this abomination without bashing oneself in the head with a hammer?

I’ve only seen this episode once, and it was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever had. It’s an uncomfortable blotch on the otherwise fairly clean canvas that is The X-Files. It’s worse than “Space,” even. “Space” was stupid and boring. “3” is just…painful.

So I, because I love my fellow X-Philes and wish them to not be in pain, I have devised an #XFRewatch3 drinking game. We’re all in this together.

Well, unless you’re under 21. Moving on.

The Rules

The rules are pretty simple: take a drink every time one of these things happens.

Ready? Go!

  1. Take a drink every time there’s an awkward make-out scene (between any of the characters).

  2. Take a drink every time Mulder makes a sad puppy face.

  3. Take a drink every time the Bible is quoted.

  4. Take a drink every time Mulder says or does something angsty.

  5. Take a drink when Mulder says “Marty Mulder”

  6. Take a drink every time John, the Son says “turn off the lights!”

  7. Take a drink every time Mulder’s attempts to be funny fall flat.

  8. At this point, you should be thoroughly confused by the plot- and not just because you’ve been drinking. Take two drinks if you have no idea what’s going on.

  9. Take a drink whenever blood has an uncomfortable presence in a scene that is meant to be sexy.

  10. Take a drink when Kristen Kilar tells Mulder he’s never tasted blood.

  11. Take a drink when Kristen touches Scully’s cross. No, scratch that. Take three. 

  12. At this point, if you are still able to follow along with the episode and/or see straight, you should have arrived at the infamous shaving cream kiss. Take as many drinks as necessary to get through this scene.

  13. Take a drink if you still can’t follow the plot.

  14. Take a drink (or several) when John, the Son says “I’ve been watching. I had to wait for you to finish.”

  15. Take a drink when Mulder inconsistently shows no fear of fire.

  16. Take a drink at the last line of dialogue, because it’s stupid.

  17. Take a drink if you miss Scully and wonder why the hell isn’t Mulder just looking for her instead of wasting his time with creepy vampires. Actually, take about five drinks here.

  18. Take a drink to congratulate yourself.

If you are still able to tweet when you’re finished, I’m incredibly proud of you. And maybe a little worried.

The end

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4 thoughts on “The #XFRewatch3 Drinking Game

  1. Amy M Tyler says:

    YES!!!!!!! I think I just might try this method of getting through this episode – I’ve done some random watches for years and I have NEVER watched this episode aside from the first watch and I barely made it through it that time. Thanks for this!

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